The light at the end of the tunnel

I was stitching away the other night, when I suddenly realised how quickly I had completed a little corner of my cloth, and it suddenly dawned on me that I no longer laboured over each stitch. I can talk, watch tv, sing along to the radio and stitch and stitch, without hindrance. I stitch so fast, my fingers are on fire.

This is quite an important realisation. You might remember me recently writing about one of the horrible symptoms of PND being a lack of concentration, which made hand sewing very laborious indeed. The more I thought about this change, the more I realised most all of my symptoms have all but gone. When did that happen? I just don't know, I guess it is a gradual process. Just as PND creeps up on you like a slow rising tide, so too does it creep away, and before you know it, you are no longer stranded.

I decided to celebrate by making myself a nice cuppa and getting down to some more stitching, and being as I had no champagne, I took a leaf out of my colleagues book and chowed down on some fizzy cola bottles, not a bad stand in, I must say.



Anyhow, I think I can safely say (touching wood here), I have come through the worst of it, and feel very much back to myself, in fact, probably much improved, they do say, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, after all. Not sure how much truth there is in that, but I like to think a grain or two. It has certainly been a challenging time and it feels good to be able to once again draw on my inner reserves and find they are topped up and serving me well.

On a final note, I did not speak too candidly about PND here. It is a dark and quite frightening subject that is somewhat taboo. So very few women even admit to suffering from it, let alone discussing it honestly. Most women with PND feel deep shame and worry about being judged, and people DO judge, they judge because they do not understand.
So, with that in mind, take a minute to read this and this. If you have any loved ones who are pregnant or have little ones, whilst a web page of text will only give you a glimpse into the reality of PND, it might at the very least prepare you to show some compassion an humility to anyone suffering from this horrid illness.

I dedicate this post to mothers everywhere, those who have suffered, are suffering or supporting their own loved ones through PND, and those mothers who have managed to hold on to their hats too. Mothering brings us great joy, but golly is it a difficult job sometimes. So heres to you all, mum's everywhere, I salute you!

Also, big love and thanks to those close to me, who have propped me up with their relentless support, understanding, kindness and love, you know who you are, I love you always <3

2 YEARS in the making

When I was pregnant with Miss Boo, I wanted to make me a quilt for the new babe. Back then, I had not been sewing for very long, and had not yet become acquainted with the sewing machine, actually, it is debatable if we are yet good friends.
I bought some scrumptious Lecien fabric with matching polka dot cotton, and looked at it for a while, stroked it lovingly and after much deliberation, realised that if Miss Boo was going to have a quilt before she left home, let alone before she arrived, then I probably needed to get someone else to make it.

In steps the lovely Miss Katy, she was my first and only choice, because not only is she a marvellous quilter with an eye for colour, but she is also charming and her dead pan Yorkshire humour always tickles my funny bone.
Anyway, Miss Katy did make the most lovely quilt for Boo, and it still sits atop her bed today, she snuggles it every night. It is a most perfect and prettyfull quilt. Miss Katy really is a super sweet treat.





Almost as soon as said quilt arrived in my posession, I set about making something for Katy. A stitch here, a stitch there, on it went, and on and on and on.
I have asked Katy for her address twice, in very bad form I have even promised to post said treat, alas, it has sat, rather lonesome, waiting to be completed, for over two years.

Today was a dark day. Sometimes I wake up and it is like someone has drawn a veil over me. I feel heavy, sad, fuzzy headed and often quite tearful. Today was one of those days, though I am thankful the good days are becoming more frequent and the dark days less so. Despite my inner darkness, outside was to be the first sunny, blue skied day I have seen in weeks, the whole house lit up under the soft glow of the low winter sun, and when I finally dragged my sorry ass downstairs, I noticed a pop of colour atop the dresser. There, twinkling in the sunlight, vibrant against the sunlit white background, was Miss Katy's treat.

It is difficult to sew when I am having a bad day, inability to focus or concentrate is a common symptom of PND. I can sometimes manage the sewing machine, but hand stitching becomes very laborious. Even so, I realised, right there in my dining room, admiring the colour and sparkle of this project I had started so long ago for Katy, that really, it could not wait one more minute. It represented, to me at least, a huge personal failing and indeed a failure to show grattude to a very sweet friend, and one failure I could not live with, one I felt I must address with immediate effect.

I gathered my tools about me, my beads and trinkets, scraps and a wee stick from the garden, and slowly, oh so slowly, I stitched.
As I stitched, I thought about the kindness Miss Katy had shown me in making a lovely quilt for Boo, the patience she has shown in waiting so long for a promised gift which never arrived, and she never complained and never asked, and really she ought to have the most lovely gift, and the more I thought about it the more I stitched, the more I embellished, until it was just so.

I even managed to catch some of the remaining afternoon sun in the garden, so that I could take a few photos of Miss Katy's gift. Once it was all done, I felt lighter and not quite as low, and pleased that Miss Katy will wait no more. I will post photos another time, as I would really like it to remain a surprise for it's intended recipient.

Thank you Katy, again, for the lovely quilt, and thank you also for unwittingly lifting me out of the fug today. It is true, I am getting better, slowly, surely, one stitch at a time.

It's Raining Again

Those of you who have been readers for a while will remember I suffered from Postnatal Depression after Bluebelle was born. I did not blog for a long time as a result, it took a while to find myself again.

Since having Bear, it has hit me afresh. It crept up on me like a slow rising tide, and before I knew what was happening, I have found myself stranded again. I sit in bed day after day, sometimes just numb and silent, and often angry and obnoxious. PND is so cruel, it's timing so perverse.
I have decided to be a bit more candid about it this time, more than anything because being creative and posting about it here does actually make me feel better, it is a small achievement in my otherwise mostly unproductive days, and it is something I do for me. I expect cleaning the house or washing clothes is a heck of a lot more productive, but it's not quite as appealing when I am in my darkest moments.

The childrens Christmas list has played on my mind like a double edge sword. On the one side, it is marvellous that I am committed to delivering those hand made gifts because it forces me to drag my sorry ass down stairs and hook up the sewing machine. On the other hand, it has also brought me much anxiety and pressure, and the ensuing guilt as Christmas edges nearer and I realise I am not likely to fulfil all of their wishes, is quite unpleasant.
So, I have made a pact with myself. I WILL make everything on the list, it just might not happen before Christmas.
So far, I have completed Ambers cushion and book bag, the cushion turned out quite well, despite the wonkiness, and the book bag was going swimmingly until I attached the straps, but I might be able to fix that. I have also made a gift for Boo and now need to do another for her and two for Hoozel also. I will take photos soon and share, the days are so dark it is difficult to get a good shot.

I am thankful to have an incredibly supportive network of friends and family around me, and I know with their love and understanding, I will find myself in this fog, it might just take a while. I hope you don't mind me sharing, it is not my intention to turn this space into something dark and gloomy, quite the opposite, I hope it will allow me to shine a little of the light that appears in my otherwise dark days.
Much love and Christmas sparkle to you all <3